Here’s a song that really touches me when I’m in a place where I have faith that God is in complete control… but still struggle with the reasons of a particular situation.

Hope it touches you too. (Works best when repeated about 50 times in a row.)

From the album “Slow Revival” by Bryan Duncan

Lonely Tonight (click if you want to preview/buy the mp3 at Amazon)

Don’t belittle me, don’t be light
Hear me truly and hear me right
I know You love me and I know You care
I know You’re always there
But I’m lonely tonight

The sun has set in a misty grey
All the color has passed away
I watch the moon as it clears the wall
‘Life is good,’ I’m sayin’, ‘all in all,
But I’m lonely tonight’
Yeah, my faith is gonna see me through
You know I trust in You
But I’m lonely tonight

It’s not a simple need for company
I don’t know
where I belong in the world I see
and I’m lonely tonight

Rest assured in amazing grace
I’d feel safe in a safer place
It’s true I love You and my love is true
You know I’m thankful, too
But I’m lonely tonight
I can gather all the power to choose
And I can take it if I win or lose
But I’m lonely tonight
I’m lonely tonight

I don’t know
where I belong in the world I see
And I’m lonely tonight

A silhouette in a garden gate
A single prayer in a solemn state
A place for me I’m gonna recognize
Someday in paradise
‘Cause I’m lonely tonight

Oh, it’s not a simple need for company
I know now
that I don’t belong in this world I see
And I’m lonely tonight
Lonely tonight
Lonely
Lonely
Tonight

I know a lot of you out there reading this, also follow Donna’s blog. On Donna’s blog, you see a lot of “I’m doing fine”, “It’s all OK”, etc. So, let me just take a little time to translate from “Donna-ese” to English.

You know how the answer to “How are you doing” is “relative”… it just depends on what you are using as your base-line for comparison. Well, Donna always gives you how she’s doing as it relates to how she figures she should be expected to be feeling during this kind of treatment.

So, let’s see if I can give you some objective observations of Donna’s condition.

• This round of chemo ended around 3pm on Friday. As of Sunday evening, she couldn’t remember anything from when she got home until Sunday morning… and Sunday itself is sketchy.
• When you talk to her or ask her a question - even at times when she’s in the middle of a sentence - you sometimes get a blank stare… until her brain catches up with the conversation.
• She sometimes answers questions with something that’s completely unrelated.
• She acts like it’s hard to speak, her voice is weak
• Her walk would be best described as a slow shuffle
• She got nauseous just sitting down to get her head shaved
• She is very weak
• She loses her balance and gets dizzy easily
• She always needs an ice pack close by since her body overheats on a moments notice - no I don’t mean she gets a “hot flash”… she overheats… Sunday evening she had to literally hold onto an ice pack and lay flat on the bathroom tile floor to cool off.

She will begin to feel better starting Tuesday or Wednesday, and she’ll be able to start faking “I’m perfectly normal” until the next round… but each and every round of chemo hits harder and seems to stick around just a little longer… and leave more “residual” effects.

Now compare that with how she is “normally”… if that term can really be applied to her - and you now have translated “Donna-ese”. If you don’t know Donna personally, do the following… try to remember what your Grandmother was like when she was in her 50s, and then what she was like in her late 80s and 90s. That’s almost the difference between Donna before treatment started, and Donna after a round of chemo.

For you guys… look at your wife, and then try to imagine her aging to 95 in just a matter of days.

I have no problem dealing with her being like this… I was just expecting it to be 40-50 years from now and due to age, and I was expecting to be in the same state right there with her.

The tag of Gravity as sung on Austin City Limits. The song is about staying faithful in a relationship in the face of temptation - but I think these words and thoughts can be applied in so many situations… like life’s struggles, for example.

Just keep me where the light is
keep me where… where the light is
just keep me where the light is
oh just keep me where… oh just keep me where the light is
and if I should happen to confront the darkness
which I’m sure by now I will
let me have the power in me
to walk on through…. to hold it still
don’t… don’t let me fall from grace
just to feel the wind… the wind upon my face
teach me that the peace
is all a happy man will ever need
oh just keep me where… keep me where… keep me where the light is
oh where the light is
keep me where the light is
oh let me sing this prayer
- John Mayer

It used to be that when I saw one of my guy friends with their beautiful girlfriends or wives, I would think something along the lines of, “he’s blessed to have such a beautiful wife, I hope they stay as deeply in love as they are now”.

The last couple years the thought has changed to, “he’s blessed to have such a beautiful wife, I hope they never have to go through cancer”.

That’s just lame….

So I’m sitting here working late and grooving to some music from my mp3 collection that was playing in the background….. and suddenly I realized I was singing along to Anne Murray. Whoa! A couple clicks and I was saved by some Icehouse. Whew! That was close.

Now what to do with that nagging desire to hear “Snowbird” again… must… resist….